Flashing back to his former career as a cattle rancher, Richard had the sudden urge to shoot his fellow attendees between the eyes with a high powered hydraulic gun.

Sal and Ted hadn't spoken in real life in almost 3 months. Their game characters, however, were married with three kids and an orc. It was Sal's best relationship yet.

Couples therapy - $400 an hour.
iPod with headphone splitter - $350
Macworld pass - $200
Being caught listening to The Mysteries of the G-Spot at a geek conference: Priceless

Waiting to be exposed to Steve Jobs' heeling reality distortion field claims several lives every year.
Out of respect we waited 10 minutes before taking his coffee and rifling thru his pockets.

Ok, 5, but we felt real bad about it.

Only six months of electroshock therapy was preventing Steve from putting his pinky finger to his lips during this particular slide.

These deranged gingerbread men are part of Chicago's Apple Store's child deterrent system.

The press, suspended in orange jello for their own protection, await exciting announcements.

Steve Jobs: Now, you'd think all this iPod success would go to my head. You'd be wrong. It goes straight into my lap. That's right, penis enlargement baby! Seriously, I'm wearing two pairs of jeans just to contain it.

Steve: I think it's quite clear that if...if you turn your head, this totally looks like a person with breasts for a head.

After showing a clip from Ninja Catering, Steve felt obliged to show this clip to appease the honorable warriors in the crowd.

He ain't no Dr.Teeth, but he'll do.

Steve: Bringing us to...funny hats. Everyone loves funny hats. I mean, hats that I respect for their cultural and social value. But c'mon, it looks like a feather duster made of muppets.

Steve: Seven inches, ha!

iPhoto 6 - Now with 40% more puppy choking.

Showing off their corkboard software, Steve explains the finer points of pushpin technology.

Steve: Shit. I'm supposed to be in this box over here.